Doubt, Fear, Commitment

Thirty one days till Boise and I haven't done anything since Sunday.  My hamstrings and inner thighs feel like the are big knots.  I'm afraid to train and get injured, and I'm afraid not to train and be unprepared.  I feel like a failure.  Like a fraud.  Like the good weeks I've had aren't real. I don't want to do anything.

I'm sure some of this is coming from exhaustion.  I haven't slept well the last few nights. I was up every 2-3 hours last night, giving Little Dude his pain meds.  Pnut is hell bent on making me feel horrible, because I'm paying so much attention to Little Dude.  Brian's not feeling well.  Things are falling apart this week, and I'm not feeling strong enough to deal with it.

I know this is just a down moment.  We all have them.  Feelings of doubt are normal.  Exhaustion is normal.  Being uncomfortable is normal.  Trying to somehow use a foam roller on your inner thigh is normal (isn't it?).

In the end, I'll suck it up and deal with it, because I'm committed.   Right?

5 Weeks to go-Nothing Left

I had to count that a couple of times.  How can it only be 5 weeks away?!?!  34 days, to be exact.  CRAZY!

Last night, after I put Pnut and Little Dude to bed, I grabbed a glass of wine and my book, and I climbed in bed myself.  I was completely exhausted.  I had nothing left.  It was an amazing feeling. The feeling that I had given everything I had to the week.

I gave my 100%, and it felt great.  

Here are the numbers:

Swam-4100 yards

Biked- 64 miles

Ran- 15 miles

A couple weeks ago, I was telling Erika that I was afraid of the pain of training.  She told me to embrace the pain and get comfortable being uncomfortable.  It sounds crazy, but I got it this week. I knew a 9 mile run, the day after a 43 mile bike (with almost no sleep) was going to hurt.  I made myself ok with the hurt.  I'm hoping that will continue for the next 34 days.  

This week is a pretty bike heavy week. Little Dude is getting his tonsils out tomorrow, so I will more than likely be limited to the trainer.  I will do what I can, but won't beat myself up about missed workouts.  There are more important things to take care of this week.

April

I was planning on having a little April recap, but I honestly can't remember what happened.

I'm pretty sure Brian and I had date night and we had a family adventure.  Almost certain I didn't drink enough water or eat enough veggies.  Sunday dinners are a bust.  Routines are non-existent.  That binder of recipes I was planning to make....I'm not sure I need a recipe binder when I don't cook.

Here's what my goals should have been for this year:

• Keep kids alive
• Train 

So, for May, those are my goals.  

It's going to be tough.  Little Dude is having his tonsils removed next week, and Brian is going out of town at the end of the month.  I'm going to have to get creative.  But I WILL get in ALL of my workouts.  I have promised myself that I will do everything I can, to be as ready as I can be.

I should add, I'm terrified of this months training schedule.  Mostly of riding for so long, by myself.  I miss my training partners terribly. 

That said, time to get to it!  Next stop, Boise!! 

Finding What's Inside

I've always loved this picture.  I dream of the day I lose all doubt and find what's inside.  I'm guessing this is an ongoing process.

Last weekend, I lost some doubt and got a glimpse of what's inside.  I had a "mini" tri test. It was a 1500 yd swim, 28 mile bike, and 6.2 mile run.  This was my first time outside on my bike since last summer.  I was REALLY nervous.  I was also really nervous about running a 10k after the bike.  I realize this is how a triathlon works, but I was still nervous.

The swim was uneventful.  Felt good.

The bike was pretty uneventful too.  It was cold.  I should have brought gloves and wish I had shoe covers.  I rode 28 miles in 1:40.  It was around 16.8 mph.  I felt like I could have gone faster, but I'm still trying to figure out how hard to push on the bike.  I'm always worried about not having enough left for the run.

I got off my bike and headed out for a run. My feet were numb which made running hard. It felt like I had something in my shoes.  It was really uncomfortable.  It took about a mile and a half for the feeling to come back.

Other than the numb feet, I felt great.  It felt like an easy run.  I checked my watch at the half way point and I was in shock.  I was expecting around a 10 min mile.  This is what I saw:

I was pretty certain this pace would go down, a lot, on the way back.  Mostly because I'm not a fast runner.  I've always been more of a jogger.  In the back of my mind I REALLY wanted to keep it up.  Then part of my brain would say  "But you can't.  You're not fast.  You have no business running this fast.  You can't keep it up."   It was almost like I was scared to try.  Like I'm not supposed to be that person.  In my head, I am a 10min/mile runner, and that's what I will always be.

But this run was changing that.  It was exciting but unnerving.  It sounds strange to even say.  Who gets upset about getting better?  Not that I was upset, but it made me a little uncomfortable.  I kept expecting someone to stop me and say "Um, no, this isn't your pace.  You are going to need to slow down and stick with who you are." Is that insane?  

When I finished, I saw this:

I'm hoping over the next 44 days, I will lose more doubt and find more of what's inside.

Today I ran

Today I ran 

For a city I've never been to, and a race I could never even hope to run.

To sweat out the sadness, anger, and confusion.

For all the moms and dads who run for sanity, health, pride, strength and to be role models to their children.

For all the people who have lined up at a starting line.

For all the people who had the discipline to train, no matter what the distance.

For a man I never met, and his family, who were changed forever by this tragedy. 

To be a part of something bigger.

To thank all my loved ones, who have waited for me at many finish lines.

Because I didn't know what else to do.

Priorities

I think when you are busiest, your priorities become very clear.  Today is a crazy busy day for me.  From this busy day, I have determined my top 3 priorities.

1. Food-I ate all day.
2. Training- I squeezed in an hour bike and 4.5 mile run this morning.
3. Family- Getting the kids back and forth from school. Taking Little Dude to speech.  Taking Pnut to basketball. Making sure everyone has dinner ready when we get home tonight. (It all comes back to food).  Sometimes remembering to get Brian's dry cleaning :)

Things that are not priorities.

1. Laundry-I'm pretty sure all our clothes are dirty.
2. Dishes-There might not be any clean.  They are all in the sink.
3. Showering-I was too busy training and eating. No time to shower.  

So for the next 9ish weeks, I'm saying no (smilingly, pleasantly, and nonapologetically) to things that are not priorities.  Hopefully things will not fall apart.

9 weeks to go

Things are getting real this month!!

I actually registered for my race!!  To be completely honest, I'm terrified.  Seriously.  Terrified.  Everything seems very real now.

My April training schedule is by far the toughest yet.  I guess that's to be expected, but it's freaking me out a little bit.  I'm trying just to focus on each day, and not get carried away looking at the whole month.  But I'm already stressed about an 8 mile run on Sunday.  It will be my longest in a long time.  I should mention, the day before the 8 mile run is a 2.5 hour bike.  So my legs should be feeling great.

It's crazy  how my mind works.  I know I can do both of those things, but for some reason I'm scared.   What is that about?  I'm not going to die from running 8 miles.

On top of being a wuss about my training schedule, I've had a serious lack of motivation when it comes to swimming.  Thankfully I sucked it up today and had a good swim.  Maybe that will be the momentum I need.

Here's what the last 2 weeks looked like.  I think I missed posting last week.  I know you have all been wondering.


March 25-31

Swam-2000 yards
Biked-58.5 miles
Ran-8 miles.

April 1- 7

Swam-ZERO (I wasn't lying about my lack of motivation)
Biked-84
Ran-14

So close to 100 miles.  If only I had gotten my butt to the pool a couple times.  Oh well, time to move on.

I have decided this is going to be my motivation when I don't feel like training:

I'll let you know if it helps :)