What I really need to do, is step back and think about what I HAVE to do. I'm at a point where I need to go back to basics. I have to get out of bed, feed the kids, do enough laundry that Brian can go to work without looking like a hobo. Amazon is pretty relaxed as far as dress codes go, but clean is probably important. I have to help Pnut deal with whatever is going on in her brain right now. I have to help Little Dude deal with the intense emotions of an almost 5 year old.
At this moment, I just need to focus on those things and nothing else. True, I have a marathon in 95 days. I have family coming to visit in a week or so. If I don't train enough to run the race, it's not the end of the world. If my house is a mess, my mom will deal (it won't come as a big shock to her either). I have to lower my expectations of myself. At least until I get through this funk I have plunged into.
I'm reading a book about helping your child deal with anxiety. It talks about how sometimes the world is too big and sometimes it's too small. I need to make my world smaller for the moment. I really do want to train for the Portland Marathon, and I really do want my house to be clean for my mom, but I don't want to beat myself up about missing runs and dirty floors.
Here's my plan for the rest of the day:
- make the kids a snack before swimming
- get kids to swimming
- cheer for them when I really want to say "what the hell are you doing?"
- make a relatively healthy dinner (that only I will end up eating)
- don't get insanely angry when no one eats dinner
- pray the kids sleep through the night
- go to sleep
That's honestly all I can do in the next 7 hours.