Thursday, March 14, 2013
This is so true. At least for me. For the last year or so (maybe forever), I've been plagued by what I think my life is supposed to look like. Remember this post? That was a year ago. I'm still having the same issues.
A few weeks ago I sent my mom a text that said something like "Please come help me! I'm falling apart". I should add, I live in Seattle and my mom lives in south Florida. It's not like I asked her to drive 30 minutes. I asked for a lot. And in true mom fashion, she came through. She helped me get my house clean (and hopefully staph free), she took the kids to school and picked them up, she did laundry, she drank wine with me, she did dishes....
I can't explain what a huge help it was.
She left early this morning. When I woke up, and she was gone, I felt a little knot in my stomach. It could have been all the wine we drank last night, but I think it was just sadness and worry. Were things going to fall apart without my mom here to help me? The realization that it is just us here; Our little family of 4, so far away from everyone.
Then something kind of strange happened. Pnut came downstairs asking for breakfast (this is not strange). Somehow we had nothing for breakfast. No eggs, no pancakes, no oatmeal. Nothing. Here's the strange part. I told the kids to get dressed and we hit the Panara drive thru. I knew they were going to eat stuff I didn't want them to eat. I knew they were going to be late for school. I knew there would be butter and crumbs in the car. But I wasn't stressed out about any of it. I didn't beat myself up that they were eating junk for breakfast. I was ok being late for school. A couple weeks ago, I'm not sure if that would have been the case. I think I would have been freaking out. I would have been yelling at the kids because they wouldn't eat chicken and mashed potatoes for breakfast. And in turn, they would be yelling and crying. It would have turned into a disaster.
It was a really nice feeling. It was peaceful and stress free. I was calm and content.
I need to give up the picture in my head of what my life should be. It is not going to be perfect. I will never be happy if my expectation is perfection. I just need to be the best me that I can be.