Not the End of the World

I had big plans to crush this last week of serious training. Here's what my week has looked like:

Monday-off (missed a 2500 swim)
Tuesday-off
Wednesday-31 mile bike
Thursday-off (missed 2100 swim/1 hour bike)

Not sure that constitutes crushing it. I'm not sure that even counts as training.  I was beating myself up about it last night and this morning.  Then I realized it's ok.  My body/mind needed a rest.   I needed to spend a day playing with my kids and not trying to fit in the gym.   Or that's what I'm telling myself.

I know 2 missed days will not ruin my race.  I have 10 more training days.  I'm going to do my best to get them all in, and that's all I can do.  Looking back isn't going to help.

This should be a fortune cookie.

The race is 16 days away.  I have my biggest training day yet, on Saturday.  3.5 hour bike/6 mile run.  I'm terrified, but excited.  I'm exhausted, but I know I can do it.

Be Proud

I have a bad habit of focusing on what I don't do, not focusing on what I do.  Instead of being happy with all the items crossed off my to-do list, I only see what didn't get done.   Instead of focusing on all the great things I do with/for the kids, I obsess over the times I yelled, or was short, or wasn't understanding.  

I do the same thing with my training.  I had a horrible bike ride last Saturday.  I literally stopped on the side of the trail and cried.  Cried and sent friends text messages about how sucky it was.  Thankfully my friend Kim, who happens to be training for a 70.3 as well, called and gave me a kick in the ass.  And Erika sent me a text that I'd be ok, I just needed to keep going.  I wiped my tears and finished the 56 mile ride.  I was angry when I got back to my car.  Instead of focusing on the fact that I just rode 56 miles, I focused on the fact that it was slower and harder than I thought it should have been.  I was thinking about all the people who are faster than I am, all the people who can ride farther (without crying).  At a time when I should have been proud of myself for sticking it out and finishing my ride, all I saw was the bad.  I had to ride past my car twice on this ride.  I could have stopped.  Given up. But I didn't.  I finished, even though it sucked.  That's something to be proud of.

I'm going to start being proud of my accomplishments.  I need to stop comparing myself to others, and stop looking at what I haven't done.  I'm going to focus on the good.  Focus on how far I've come.

20 days!!!!

I have 20 days until race day.  I've gotten back on track since Little Dude's surgery.  I missed a couple workouts last week, but got myself back together towards the end of the week.  I had my toughest training weekend yet.  I did a 56 mile bike Saturday and an 11 mile run Sunday.  

The bike was tough.  My nutrition is clearly lacking.  I'm not hungry in the beginning of my rides, so I don't eat.  By the time I start eating, it's too late to catch up.  This is going to be an issue when I have a 13 mile run after the bike.  I have a couple more long rides to figure it out.  

My run felt really good, all things considered. It took 3-4 miles to warm up. After that I felt great.

My body is exhausted and I'm always hungry (except on my bike).  I guess this is to be expected.  Things at home are falling apart.  I sent the kids to school in less than clean clothes this morning, and I have no idea what I put in their lunch boxes.  Thankfully no one is complaining (Or I'm just too tired to hear).  I have one more tough week of training, then it's taper time.  A lot of people have a hard time with tapering.  Not me.  I'm a huge fan. 

I'm going to take today and try to get things ready for the week.  At least do a load of laundry and buy some bread and peanut butter.

Doubt, Fear, Commitment

Thirty one days till Boise and I haven't done anything since Sunday.  My hamstrings and inner thighs feel like the are big knots.  I'm afraid to train and get injured, and I'm afraid not to train and be unprepared.  I feel like a failure.  Like a fraud.  Like the good weeks I've had aren't real. I don't want to do anything.

I'm sure some of this is coming from exhaustion.  I haven't slept well the last few nights. I was up every 2-3 hours last night, giving Little Dude his pain meds.  Pnut is hell bent on making me feel horrible, because I'm paying so much attention to Little Dude.  Brian's not feeling well.  Things are falling apart this week, and I'm not feeling strong enough to deal with it.

I know this is just a down moment.  We all have them.  Feelings of doubt are normal.  Exhaustion is normal.  Being uncomfortable is normal.  Trying to somehow use a foam roller on your inner thigh is normal (isn't it?).

In the end, I'll suck it up and deal with it, because I'm committed.   Right?

5 Weeks to go-Nothing Left

I had to count that a couple of times.  How can it only be 5 weeks away?!?!  34 days, to be exact.  CRAZY!

Last night, after I put Pnut and Little Dude to bed, I grabbed a glass of wine and my book, and I climbed in bed myself.  I was completely exhausted.  I had nothing left.  It was an amazing feeling. The feeling that I had given everything I had to the week.

I gave my 100%, and it felt great.  

Here are the numbers:

Swam-4100 yards

Biked- 64 miles

Ran- 15 miles

A couple weeks ago, I was telling Erika that I was afraid of the pain of training.  She told me to embrace the pain and get comfortable being uncomfortable.  It sounds crazy, but I got it this week. I knew a 9 mile run, the day after a 43 mile bike (with almost no sleep) was going to hurt.  I made myself ok with the hurt.  I'm hoping that will continue for the next 34 days.  

This week is a pretty bike heavy week. Little Dude is getting his tonsils out tomorrow, so I will more than likely be limited to the trainer.  I will do what I can, but won't beat myself up about missed workouts.  There are more important things to take care of this week.

April

I was planning on having a little April recap, but I honestly can't remember what happened.

I'm pretty sure Brian and I had date night and we had a family adventure.  Almost certain I didn't drink enough water or eat enough veggies.  Sunday dinners are a bust.  Routines are non-existent.  That binder of recipes I was planning to make....I'm not sure I need a recipe binder when I don't cook.

Here's what my goals should have been for this year:

• Keep kids alive
• Train 

So, for May, those are my goals.  

It's going to be tough.  Little Dude is having his tonsils removed next week, and Brian is going out of town at the end of the month.  I'm going to have to get creative.  But I WILL get in ALL of my workouts.  I have promised myself that I will do everything I can, to be as ready as I can be.

I should add, I'm terrified of this months training schedule.  Mostly of riding for so long, by myself.  I miss my training partners terribly. 

That said, time to get to it!  Next stop, Boise!! 

Finding What's Inside

I've always loved this picture.  I dream of the day I lose all doubt and find what's inside.  I'm guessing this is an ongoing process.

Last weekend, I lost some doubt and got a glimpse of what's inside.  I had a "mini" tri test. It was a 1500 yd swim, 28 mile bike, and 6.2 mile run.  This was my first time outside on my bike since last summer.  I was REALLY nervous.  I was also really nervous about running a 10k after the bike.  I realize this is how a triathlon works, but I was still nervous.

The swim was uneventful.  Felt good.

The bike was pretty uneventful too.  It was cold.  I should have brought gloves and wish I had shoe covers.  I rode 28 miles in 1:40.  It was around 16.8 mph.  I felt like I could have gone faster, but I'm still trying to figure out how hard to push on the bike.  I'm always worried about not having enough left for the run.

I got off my bike and headed out for a run. My feet were numb which made running hard. It felt like I had something in my shoes.  It was really uncomfortable.  It took about a mile and a half for the feeling to come back.

Other than the numb feet, I felt great.  It felt like an easy run.  I checked my watch at the half way point and I was in shock.  I was expecting around a 10 min mile.  This is what I saw:

I was pretty certain this pace would go down, a lot, on the way back.  Mostly because I'm not a fast runner.  I've always been more of a jogger.  In the back of my mind I REALLY wanted to keep it up.  Then part of my brain would say  "But you can't.  You're not fast.  You have no business running this fast.  You can't keep it up."   It was almost like I was scared to try.  Like I'm not supposed to be that person.  In my head, I am a 10min/mile runner, and that's what I will always be.

But this run was changing that.  It was exciting but unnerving.  It sounds strange to even say.  Who gets upset about getting better?  Not that I was upset, but it made me a little uncomfortable.  I kept expecting someone to stop me and say "Um, no, this isn't your pace.  You are going to need to slow down and stick with who you are." Is that insane?  

When I finished, I saw this:

I'm hoping over the next 44 days, I will lose more doubt and find more of what's inside.