Perfect

This is so true.  At least for me.  For the last year or so (maybe forever), I've been plagued by what I think my life is supposed to look like. Remember this post?  That was a year ago.  I'm still having the same issues.

A few weeks ago I sent my mom a text that said something like "Please come help me!  I'm falling apart".  I should add, I live in Seattle and my mom lives in south Florida.  It's not like I asked her to drive 30 minutes.  I asked for a lot.  And in true mom fashion, she came through.   She helped me get my house clean (and hopefully staph free), she took the kids to school and picked them up, she did laundry, she drank wine with me, she did dishes....

I can't explain what a huge help it was.

She left early this morning.  When I woke up, and she was gone, I felt a little knot in my stomach.  It could have been all the wine we drank last night, but I think it was just sadness and worry.  Were things going to fall apart without my mom here to help me?  The realization that it is just us here; Our little family of 4, so far away from everyone.

Then something kind of strange happened. Pnut came downstairs asking for breakfast (this is not strange).  Somehow we had nothing for breakfast.  No eggs, no pancakes, no oatmeal.  Nothing.  Here's the strange part.  I told the kids to get dressed and we hit the Panara drive thru.   I knew they were going to eat stuff I didn't want them to eat.  I knew they were going to be late for school.  I knew there would be butter and crumbs in the car.  But I wasn't stressed out about any of it.  I didn't beat myself up that they were eating junk for breakfast.  I was ok being late for school.  A couple weeks ago, I'm not sure if that would have been the case.  I think I would have been freaking out.  I would have been yelling at the kids because they wouldn't eat chicken and mashed potatoes for breakfast.  And in turn, they would be yelling and crying.  It would have turned into a disaster.

It was a really nice feeling.  It was peaceful and stress free.  I was calm and content.

I need to give up the picture in my head of what my life should be.  It is not going to be perfect.  I will never be happy if my expectation is perfection.  I just need to be the best me that I can be.

Hello, March

I decided not to do a recap of February.  It was pretty lame.  I don't want to rehash all of it.

Thankfully it is March now, and it has started out to be a great month.

Yesterday was pretty much as good as a day could be.  It was a beautiful sunny day and Pnut said we should go for a hike.  It was a great idea.  We packed up and headed to the ferry.  The ferry took us to Whidbey Island where we hiked this trail.  It was BEAUTIFUL!

We planned to go for a couple miles, but once we got there, we couldn't stop.  The views were amazing and the kids were having a great time.  We climbed to the top of bluff (the trail guide said it's a bluff.  I would have called it a cliff).  Pnut got to the top first and was very proud of herself.

Once we all made it up we stopped for a rest and a snack.

And did some tai chi?

The next couple miles were a little scary.  The trail guide says some parts of the trail are 270 above the water.  I was terrified Little Dude was going to fall over the side, so I held onto his hood for most of the hike.

It doesn't look too bad in the picture, but it was steep

While we were up there, we saw a bald eagle.  It was so close to us.  It was crazy.  Here's a picture.  I was so in awe of it, plus trying to make sure Little Dude didn't take a header off the bluff, so I didn't get the pest picture. But it was super cool.

It's in the middle, right above the trees

Because walking on the cliff bluff wasn't scary enough, Brian found this tree and insisted on standing on it.  

I need to make sure his life insurance policy is up to date before we go on another hike.

Then of course the kids wanted to play on it.

After we walked across the bluff, we headed down to the beach.  

Beaches here are rocky

About this time, Little Dude was done.  His poor little legs were exhausted and we had about a mile and a half left to go.  Brian and I held him for awhile and he was ready to run again.  It was awesome.    About 100 yards from the car this happened.

I call that a successful hike.  It only took 5.6 miles and about 4 hours to exhaust them.

Here's to an awesome month!!

Eff you, Nietzsche

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" Nietzsche. 

 I think a more accurate statement would be "That which does not kill you puts you one step closer to the Loony Bin"

Loony Bin, eh

This works too

Remember this?  Less than a week ago I was at the end of my rope.  Crying on the bathroom floor.  While I was down there, the universe decided to kick me in the stomach.  More accurately, the groin.  Yep, my sweet baby girl shared her staph infection with me.  I ended up with an abscess ....IN MY GROIN. What the hell?? Abscess and groin are not two words you want in the same sentence.  I am waving the white flag and I get a kick to the head.  It is more than I can deal with.

I find myself crying over nothing, and everything.  I spend most of the day cleaning and doing laundry.  I'm terrified we are never going to get rid of this horrible bug.

On top of it all, I can't do any training.  It totally sucks.  I want to climb in bed and pull the covers over my head.  Of course, I can't do that. So I'm doing the best I can.  I'm trying to hold myself together.  This isn't the worst thing that can happen.  It's just the latest in the never ending drama that seems to be following us.  Since we've moved to Seattle it has been one thing after another.  I think this is just the straw that broke the camel's back.  Does that make me the camel?   I hope not.  

I'm going to regroup and do what I have to do.  Let's hope 14 weeks is enough time to get ready for Boise.

Out of Whack

I am completely out of whack today.  Last weeks training was awesome.  I felt amazing.  Got in all my workouts plus 2 days of yoga and an extra swim.  Things couldn't have gone better.  This week started out great.  I got a babysitter to watch the kids Monday morning, and I went to yoga.  I was confident this week would be great as well.

That changed when I took Pnut to the dr Monday afternoon.  Long story short, we ended up spending 2 nights in the hospital.  Totally unexpected.  She is home now and doing great, but I'm in a funk.  I'm exhausted, stressed out and feel like crap. I spent 48 hours eating junk, sitting around, and worrying.

I have no motivation today.  I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  It's feels like I held my breath for 2 days and now all my emotions are coming out.  But I can't curl up and cry.  Laundry needs to be done, dishes need to be washed, bathrooms need to be cleaned, and kids need to be taken care of.    This isn't one of those instances when cleaning can be put off. It has to be done.  I don't want anyone else getting sick.

The last thing I feel like doing is getting on my bike.  I know I don't have to.  I have my priorities  in the right order.  My family comes first, but training is high up there.   I know I can find time for a 75 min ride.  I'm just not sure I have the energy or desire right now.

17 weeks to go

Not sure what happened this week.  It could have been the unexpected calls from school to pick Little Dude up, or the doctor's appointments, or the fact that I discovered a fondness for Bikram Yoga.   Whatever it was, my training was not what it should have been.

Here are the ugly totals:

Biked-2 hours-32 miles
Ran-ZERO
Swam-1500 yds
Yoga-3 hours

Scheduled:
Bike-2 hrs 40 minutes
Run-6 miles
Swim-1700yds


I was feeling down about this until I got my training in today.  It was an awesome day!!
I did this:

Bike

Then I did this:

Run

I know these are not amazing distances or paces, but they are really good for me.  What makes me feel the best about it, is that  it was easy.  I pushed myself, but I felt comfortable the whole time.  I feel like I'm making progress.  It's an awesome feeling!

Facing Fears

Last year I wrote this post about being scared.  It was my very first blog post :)  In it I made a goal to do things that scare me.  One of those things was Bikram Yoga.  In that post, I said I'd try it in January.  That was January 2012.  Finally in February of 2013, I conquered that fear.

I convinced Erika and Julie to try it with me.  It happened during the Super Bowl party, so they might have been tipsy when they agreed.  Either way, they agreed.

The few days leading up to the big day, I was freaking out.  I had nightmares.  I had stomachaches.  I built this up to be so big and scary.

Finally the day came.  The three of us actually showed up. No one chickened out but we all looked terrified.  (We didn't get any pictures, but check out Julie's blog, I'm sure she will have drawings.) We finally walked into the hot room and WOW...it was hot, and it smelled a little funny, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It was bigger and brighter than I expected.  I was also happy to learn there were bathrooms in the hot room.  One of my biggest fears was I'd be locked in a room and not be able to pee :)

Once we started, the sweating began.  Holy moly!  I had no idea I could sweat that much. Seriously, it was nutty.  I was able to do more than I thought I would be able to.  I had to sit down a couple times because I got dizzy, but it really wasn't that bad.

I'm soooo glad I sucked it up, got past my fear, and did it.  I'm already making plans to go back.

Have you conquered any fears recently?

The Grass is Always Greener....On Facebook

I woke up feeling that I wasn't living my life.  I wasn't living in the here and now.  So of course I went looking for someone to blame.  My blame has landed on Facebook. All social media, really.

I realize this is a cop out of sorts, but here is my thinking.  I love Facebook.  I am thousands of miles from home and  Facebook makes me feel connected to friends and family that I miss.  I'm starting to realize, it also keeps me from fully embracing where I am.  It is hard to make a new life when you are still living in the past.

Another problem with social media, it shows me all the things I'm not doing.  I'm not making fabulous meals, not spending hours with my kids making beautiful crafts, not organizing my pantry...I admit, I'm guilty of posting stuff that makes it look like I'm super mom.  On those days where I get out of my pajamas and decide to make cookies with the kids, I make sure it's documented.  This is never done to make others feel bad. I assume when people post pictures of an elaborate feast they made for dinner, it's because they are proud of it.  Not that they want to make me feel bad about having leftover hot dogs and potato chips for dinner.  The problem is, there is always someone out there doing something fabulous.  Not the same person, but always someone.  So everyday it's like a snap shot of what I didn't do.

Again, I know this is me and how let things affect (or is it effect) me.  I'm not blaming anyone.

Another problem I'm having....seeing people train for races. Races I want to do.  It seems like everyone (people I really don't know and will more than likely never meet) is doing an Ironman this year.  I REALLY want to, and I know I will....someday.  Now is not my time.  My family is not in a place for me to devote that kind of time and money to a race.  I know this, and I'm ok with it.  Until I read about other people.  I start thinking, well if they can do it, why can't I?   There is a laundry list of why I can't yet somehow I feel inferior because others can.  I know it's ridiculous. It's just where my head is right now.

My solution?  I could get off Facebook and Daily Mile.  I could stop reading blogs.  Realistically, I know that's not going to happen.  I am going to try to be more in the moment, less in my head.  Less keeping up with the Joneses (or is it Jones'?) and more being the best me.    Hopefully that will work out.